Written by security and violence prediction expert Gavin de Becker, its purpose is to help readers avoid potential trauma and teaches us to recognize precursors to violence. de Becker stresses that although the world at times can seem unpredictable and chaotic, the fact is, violence is inherently predictable, and by recognizing pre-incident indicators (PINS), we can try to avoid it. The author focuses mainly on situations that one may encounter day to day- at home, at work, in public places.
de Becker, at the beginning of the book, stresses that although violence can be perpetrated by anyone, women are more often the victims of structural violence. "To be politically correct," de Becker says, "would be statistically incorrect." Essentially, he's saying to put aside the #NotAllMen argument for a second, and consider the situations that are really happening to women- what women do you know who hasn't been intruded upon, violated by, or made to feel threatened by a man in her life?
If it's hard for you to think of an example for yourself, consider this: these things happen to us so frequently that it's socialized, at times, to feel completely normal. "Not taking no for an answer" is one of the PINS. How many stories have we heard or told about a guy who accosts us at a bar or some other public place and won't leave us alone?
At the very least, they're annoying. At worst, they're terrifying.
While reading The Gift of Fear, I'm reminded of instances in my life where I've felt threatened and been in situations that if it were not for my hypervigilance, I may not have gotten out as easy.
Sometimes it's hard to explain why I feel uneasy in situations, especially to people who cannot relate. I once had a creepy encounter in a vast, darkened parking lot in college which left me pretty shook up, so later that night, I told my boyfriend at the time about it. He didn't really understand why something so simple as a man walking extremely close behind me in the dark, for longer than he should have and then repeatedly asking if he could talk to me, would freak me out. I'd get a lot of the same responses from guys when I told them about pickup trucks slowing down to talk to me, people approaching me in carparks, being present in situations that turned violent, or where I left before something bad ended up happening.
At one point, de Becker discusses how on occasion, when people feel threatened, or plan on threatening someone, they'll make a joke about it, which might come out of nowhere, but really is a result of their subconscious picking up on clues- or a clue that reveals their true intentions, if it's someone intending to perpetrate violence.
When I read this, I had a flashback to a previous relationship. About halfway through that year, I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow. My significant other happened upon it one night, and said, "Oh, is that for me? Are you afraid of me?"
I didn't think much of it at the time, but then again, I didn't really know the entire reason why I felt I needed to keep something around to protect myself with. And I wasn't sure why they would ask me that.
A few months later, I broke up with this person. The day after that, they told me that they had been violent towards a previous girlfriend. I won't go in to the details, but it's definitely something I'm glad didn't happen to me.
There had been other signs too, other things that happened that I now understand could be classified as physically and psychologically abusive, but none made me afraid for my life. I'm certain I dodged a bullet, but some people aren't as lucky, and their situations become far worse.
These are only a couple examples of things that have happened to me where I'm certain fear played an important part in saving my life. But another thing I can thank my anxiety for is that whenever I'm in a crisis, I'm so used to needing to quickly solve a way out of the situation, that I'm confident in my abilities to make the right decision under pressure. Adapting to panic disorder means adapting to time-sensitive situations: assess the problem, identify your options, make a plan, and carry it out. Nowadays, I'm rarely ever in a situation where I'm not prepared, because I've imagined all possible outcomes, and I don't make decisions lightly.
As I've learned to adapt to my panic disorder, I've gotten better and better at doing this more quickly. Most of the time, it involves relying on pre-incident indicators and assessing my surroundings. Gavin de Becker essentially tells us in The Gift of Fear to embrace our intuition, the signals that our subconscious relays to us based on our surroundings, because most of the time, it's right.
This is not to say that we should be going about our lives afraid, or that women should walk about the world with a victim mentality. But the truth is- and I've said this before- the threat of violence never really goes away, because it's everywhere, no matter where you live or your economic status or how old you are. We should simply be smart about the situations that we encounter, because there's bound to be one sooner or later.
The Gift of Fear has its flaws, but it's certainly thought-provoking, and I think it's something that everyone, especially women, should take the time to read. I'm positive that there's information in there that anyone can take to heart. The concept of embracing fear is strange, but it can really be useful. de Becker instructs us to trust our fear: trust it to carry you up and out of the room to safety, trust it to help you assess your surroundings in a split second to figure out how to extract yourself from a threat. Essentially, fear- and I don't mean the idea of cowering, shivering panic and despair, I'm referring to our inherent animal reaction to external threat- is something to harness and glean power from in dangerous moments and guide us to self preservation.
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