It's probably going to be awhile before I fix everything going wrong. I could resolve a lot of my issues by cutting people out of my life, by returning home and shutting myself in a room that's no longer mine, by going back to the hospital, by drinking till I pass out for days. All are predictably something I'd do, and the easy way out, as far as I'm concerned. But I'm not a weak person, and that's one of the things I've learned. I've been through more in the past few years of my life than anyone really needs to go through, and I struggle with things on a daily basis that someone who hasn't had experience with them would hardly be able to handle. I'm not gonna talk about all of those things here, that's a whole other post that I probably won't write. Point being, I've survived a lot of shit that could have killed me or made things a hell of a lot more miserable than they are now. I'm still alive after all of this.
I'm going to accept whatever comes. I was talking with a friend the other night, and she told me something that I've heard many times before: "This is not the last time this will happen. You're going to struggle with this your whole life. You're just going to get better at coping with it. You can't get frustrated with yourself when these things happen, because they're out of your control."
She's right, and it's one of the realest things I've ever heard.
So I've learned that I have to just let them happen. When my heart starts acting up out of nowhere, I can't breathe, and I can barely stand and have to leave work or go to the hospital, I'll try to remember that it's not the worst thing in the world. That it hasn't killed me before and it's likely not going to kill me now, but even if my heart tires itself out and stops altogether, then maybe that's just what's supposed to happen. If I have to have another surgery, then I guess that's how it'll have to be. I'm livid that my health has deteriorated to the point that it's affecting my every day life, but I can't be. Being pissed off about it, stressing out about it, cursing it isn't going to make it go away.
When I remember something awful, when uncomfortable reminders of a bad time seep into my conscious mind and I think about all the terrible things that have happened, I tell myself that none of this is real, it might as well not exist. It can't ruin me anymore, people aren't around, and they're as good as dead to me. I'm not the person I was yesterday, or a few years ago. Someone I'm close with told me recently, "It doesn't matter what happened before. Everything before made you the person you are right now. You should be thankful for that, because who you are is amazing, and beautiful." So I try to believe him, and I try to remember those words when my thoughts get to be too much to handle.
I was told something that really hurt me today. I saw it coming, and I figured I'd be well enough prepared for it, but I wasn't. It wasn't meant to cause me any pain, but it did, and I had to let myself just feel it for a moment. If this had happened a year ago, I may have cut this person out of my life entirely. I would have slowly shut down until I would feel nothing at all, to protect myself. I understand now that if I play the same card, every time someone hurts me, I'm not going to have anyone left. I have to cope with the fact that people will do whatever they want to do, and if they're still someone good who deserves a place in my life, I'll find a way to make it work. So I let myself be sad for awhile, and I waited for it to pass. It's not worth ruining a day over, a summer, a life, a friendship.
I've learned that people are just people, and I'm not going to let them control how I live my life. Today made me question my worth for longer than was really necessary. Then I remembered that I've already come this far, and I'm not going to backslide into someone who's insecure and angry. I know my worth, and I know I'm not just an option to anyone, that I'm in control of my feelings, and I'm enough. But I guess the struggle is remembering that it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm not defined by anyone but myself, and I'm not sure that's something I ever truly understood before.
So things aren't perfect. They're not going to be for awhile, but I understand now that it's not always something I'm in charge of. I think I'm afraid of a lot of things. Everything seems to scare me, and the fear dominates my waking life on a sliding scale. The truth is that there is nothing I am really afraid of. The only thing that scares me in the world is being out of control. I just know now that I have to embrace it, and the world will open itself to me. I deserve good things, amazing things, and I'm going to get them- because I think the most important thing I learned is that I'm the kind of person who gets exactly what she wants, when she wants. If I don't, it's just because I didn't want it badly enough. More than anything in the world I just want to be happy, and I'm going to kick, claw and scream until I get there.
