I interviewed for a development position at a faith-based nonprofit in Grand Rapids (I mean, are there any other kind here?) this morning. Getting the call for a job was pretty awesome, but then the panic quickly unfurled itself in my barely-awake mind. I believe I'm qualified for the position itself, surely, and I want to continue working in my field, but...oh shit- am I really qualified enough to work for a Christian charity?
Oh, well, I've been to thirteen years of Catholic school, and went to church twice a week for most of my life. I've studied religion and theology in college as well. I should be fine, right? Well, one of the first questions this woman asked me on the phone was if I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I choked a bit after that.
I wanted a job pretty badly, and I figured this one was in my field, so, as good as any. I even looked up popular bible verses just in case she asked me my favorite one was (I liked the ones I found about anxiety disorders, actually). I'm guessing mainstream Christians are big on reciting bible verses- I know they like churches that look like movie theatres and really upbeat songs with clapping. Catholics, as far as I know, are about saying Hail Marys obsessively, judging heathens who clap in church, and hating ourselves.
The experience made me wonder about what sort of faith I have in my life. I'm not an atheist, although my frequently nihilistic rhetoric may suggest otherwise. I'm a pretty bad Catholic, though, that's for sure, in terms of the regular churchgoing and not taking contraceptives. In terms of getting pissed off when alcohol at weddings isn't free, having crucifixes all over my apartment to ward off the devil, and self-loathing, I'm good there.
One of my former bosses at a museum I worked at told me once, "The Earth is my church."
I think that's what I identify with the most. I feel most connected in some spiritual way when I'm in nature. If there's some sort of divine power, I feel it in the woods. That's why Mackinac is such a sacred place, to me, to the people that have called it home forever, to anyone who's spent a good amount of time there. Is that feeling we have, leaping off the dock into the sparkling blue Lake, climbing to Fort Holmes on an indigo night, the stars scattered across the sky, sitting on the soft floor of the evergreen forest with your best friends...what is that feeling? Surely these experiences make people wonder about the existence of something to have faith in, surely they're something to give thanks for- whoever you'd like to thank.
But that feeling of fullness in my heart, that pure, perfect love...that's where I feel it. No deity in particular comes to mind, but I feel something, when I'm in the forest. I felt closer to a universal consciousness, some sort of spiritual presence, when I ran through the trails every day after school, than when I was in church. Being around life, being around something so good and so pure, that's what makes me feel alive, and that's what makes me feel like I've got something worth believing in.
I've got faith in the natural order of things. I've got faith that there's some pattern, some sacred essence that ties everything together. I have faith in the good of people. I like to pray, in a sense, maybe not with words, with a quiet hope, trusting that the universe will guide me to success, and giving thanks to the universe when good things come into my life, that's faith to me. If there's a God, I see them in the kindness and love my friends and family have for each other, and in the vibrant beauty of the Earth.
I've got faith that we can make things better. I'm thankful that we've come so far, but lately, with what's been going on here at home, it's difficult to think positively. Everyone obviously knows how I feel about the current state of affairs in the U.S. But I have faith that we'll work towards greater progress.
That's going to take awhile, we all know that. I know that time will come, and I know we'll claw and kick as hard as we can to get there.
Until then, when I'm not out there trying to fight that fight, you can find me in the forest. It'll answer to you in the way that you call to it.
