I applaud people that can see their New Year's resolutions through to the end. Maybe I'm just deterred from making my own because of my inability to complete projects that I start, due to my crippling adult ADD and personality disorders? Despite that, I'd like to try it anyway.
Essentially, my personal goal for 2017 and onward is something less tangible than successfully maintaining a gym routine, finishing a home improvement project, or sticking to a diet (I will never stop eating garbage breakfast).
I want to start doing everything I'm afraid to do, no matter how badly I do it, or how big the panic attack.
Here's a list of times my anxiety has ruined my life- and I'm gonna tell you all of them, no matter how stupid they sound:
- Failing to submit multiple creative writing works because I was afraid of rejection, even though my professors said they were awesome and pushed me to do it.
- Overdosing on Xanax on a plane ride to Baltimore.
- Multiple trips to the emergency room each year because of a "blood clot" and "heart attacks"(spoiler alert: I had neither)
- Not taking a pole dancing class because I'm also terrified to perform in front of people, even though it's something I've always wanted to do.
- Not skydived even though I was given the opportunity
- Finagling my way into the Star Line captain's cabin under the guise of boat nausea, when in fact, I'm terrified of open water- not a total loss, but embarrassing nonetheless.
- Countless nightmare public speaking experiences.
- Buying a ticket to Booze Cruise and immediately before the boat leaves the dock, deciding to get off because I'm afraid of loud noises and drunk people.
- A newfound fear being in the open wilderness, in the forest, in the mountains, even though it is one of the only things that has ever made me feel alive and being in nature is my favorite activity.
It's also caused me some pretty embarrassing problems in my interpersonal relationships, to no end. For example, last year, I failed to make the short 40 minute drive to my best friend's house to celebrate her birthday, because I was too scared to drive an unfamiliar route.
One time, my hot professor extended the offer for a coffee date (not in a romantic sense, most likely just to cultivate an academic relationship, much to my dismay), and I didn't go, because I was too afraid she would think me awkward. I also turned down a research opportunity with her because I was too intimidated by how cool and smart she was.
Another time, I didn't meet up with a friend in Chicago I hadn't seen in forever, because I was too afraid to get on the train, and I was afraid to tell her that because I was afraid of what she'd think, so I told her I just had diarrhea instead (somehow that seemed like a better explanation than the truth).
How about every time I've tried to pursue a romantic interest, only to have it crash and burn because I'm too nervous to hook up with them? Oh christ, there were so many times- this could be a whole separate post. When I was eighteen, I had a huge crush on one of my friends (which she knew) and I had multiple opportunities to make a move, but never did anything about it because I'm a bitch and I was so intimidated (which she knew). Once, I cultivated a promising relationship with a taxi driver who was smart and funny and we liked all the same music, but when he invited me to go out I told him I was taking a nap, which as far as he knows, I never woke up from. The next summer I spent four months aggressively flirting with a coworker, so I finally slipped him my phone number at the bar and told him to text me- then when he did I told him I was too drunk to come over, even though I had only drank one vodka soda and was, like, fully capable of walking the 50 feet to his apartment.
Fortunately, I managed to snag the boyfriend I have now, but the witchcraft of how that even happened is beyond anything I understand. Regardless, I'm so thankful.
Essentially, I'm good at barreling hard and fast towards opportunities in my life, and getting myself into situations where I can easily get what I want, in work, in school, in relationships- and then I just trip and fall on my face. Certainly, I've overcome a lot of my fears: I've flew on planes by myself, survived a year of graduate school, enjoyed a trip on a sailboat without dying, survived a rave, driven long distances without popping a chill pill, and splattered my writing all over the World Wide Web for everyone to see.
These are great successes, but they're few and far between. The amount of times I've come through and lived have paled in comparison to the number of times I've failed to do something fun just because I was afraid. I could make a list of all the things I want to do, but that would make this post much longer than it needs to be.
Thus, starting now, I want success to the be rule, not the exception. I'm going to stop worrying what people will think about me, I'm going to trust my heart not to give out, and I'm going to trust that the ferry isn't going to capsize. I think I've come pretty far, and I'm proud. I'm just not the best Maria there is, and that's what I want to be.
In the words of Kylie Jenner, 2017 is going to be the year of just, like, realizing stuff.
I wasn't sure what to add for a photo so here's a picture of Dragon Fruit with no context. It tastes like kiwi with seeds that get stuck in your teeth.
No comments:
Post a Comment